Noticeably absent is what I notice first when I look back on my posts. It has been good to go back and read where I have been and what it took to get me there. I have been absent due to the struggle within. I have been steadily gaining back weight for the last 8 months and can’t seem to get back on track. I had gained about 15 pounds back and was doing the lose 5 gain 5 routine. In January of this past year my trainer that I had for a couple years moved away and it really set me back. I am now 22 pounds heavier and I refuse to give up on me and become that old girl again. My trainer Jared taught me how to be mentally strong and I have so much to thank him for! Through this process I am learning that its all on me and I am strong enough to do this on my own. Somewhere along the way though I settled and started slipping. I started putting everything else first…wife, mother, activities…people needed me right…I still workout and meal plan but not to the degree I was before and I want that girl back! I want to be the better version of me again that is happy and balanced. No more excuses, I am going to take back ground! I need to fight the old me and I can do that because I know her so well!
Keeping it short and sweet tonight…
This week has been tough getting back on track with detoxing from our annual church campout. I went in with a plan and good intentions to eat healthy. Friday night I found myself with an ice cream cone filled with goodies toasted over the fire…..and the weekend continued in all its fried food and gooey goodness. I swear there is a green eyed monster inside me that craves sugar. Once I start I can’t seem to stop. Over the last couple of years I have learned so much about physical strength and toughness when working out and I know mental toughness is key during a tough workout (this week I have 2 blisters and 2 skinned knees to prove it). I remember being on mile 10 in my first half marathon when my phone rang and it was my husband calling to encourage me. I just wanted him to come get me or make it stop. I persurveered and the accomplishment I felt afterwards was so rewarding. That mental toughness I had been working on at the gym had paid off (not to mention running it with encouraging friends). I am learning I need that same mental toughness and self control when eating. I find myself going to the kitchen nightly and wanting to graze. It has been a habit of mine for years. I have tried all the tools of turning the lights off in the kitchen, pictures of skinny me on the pantry door, goals on the fridge, I still graze. It dawned on me this week that the mind is a muscle as well and it can be strengthened as well. I may not win every battle but each time I reject that grazing reflex I am getting stronger (you know what doesn’t kill you). My faith is playing a huge part in this battle. God will not share his glory with anything else and He wants the glory for this work He is doing. I am tired of being a prisoner of the past and if the girl that can do all the crazy stuff at the gym decides to take on this eating…she can do anything. “Don’t take orders from a cookie” was on one of my motivational cards and I really took that to heart when it was followed up by “Give God your weakness and He will give you His strength”. I don’t want to be ruled by the cravings of the flesh, I want food to take its place which is just nourishment for the body. I have had many years of eating for celebration, stress, boredom and so on….. Each day I become mentally stronger is a day closer to putting food in its rightful place. It says in Romans “We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us”.
I recently posted an article on my Facebook page about things no one tells women about their weight loss journey. This is going on year 2 of my weight loss and I have found the scale creeping back up. I am back to the “200”s….204 to be exact. November of this last year I pitched the nutrition ball into someone else’s court. Trouble is it has bounced back and got me. We went on a trip and I decided I was going to have Cracker Barrel (biscuits and gravy among other things) and lots of carbs that were not the good kind and it led to me eating more and more of that stuff. I kept this pattern up through Christmas until I said enough. I slowly began creeping back up the scale. The summer we went to Hawaii I was at my lowest 185 so how did I get back to an 19 pound weight gain…..I thought I had buried that old me but she lurks in there waiting to rear her head. I have been gaining and losing the same 5 pounds for the last 3 months (can I get and amen).
I was encouraged to blog again by a few of you and I just didn’t want to be “transparent” in my struggle or show that I didn’t have it as together as appeared. I still have the desire to use all this for God’s glory but that pride thing has held me back. I still want to pursue Physical training/nutrition but I always feel I can’t because I want to be believable and be that 150lb. “fit” girl that “looks” the part. I am beginning to see the lie in that thought. These past few weeks I have been feeling like I should share the struggle of my story because I am finding that this journey is not an easy one but a consistent, fighting in the trenches daily battle. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t loosing until I plugged in my food to my fitness pal (the stuff I could remember) last night and it was a whopping 1700 calories…..not a way to lose the weight. I am still exercising and loving the fit lifestyle but as they say the battle is won in the kitchen. It’s 80% nutrition and 20% exercise. I think it all boils down to that ugly word “flesh”. Sunday the preacher told the story about the 2 dogs….well I have been feeding the wrong one (google old indian proverb about the 2 dogs) I have been feeding it literally stuff I know that originally got me in this place but then I cry and whine because the “scale” isn’t moving. Time to get real with myself so I’m going to make my journey transparent and get back to blogging again.
I just want to encourage you no matter where you are in the battle DON’T GIVE UP! I could focus on how far I have to go or I can get wrapped up in a “number” but I don’t want to do that, instead I will keep moving forward. I want to learn from each step I take (hopefully I won’t have to repeat to many of them) and move on to freedom.
Today I ran across the passage Jeremiah 32:17 Behold, I am the Lord the God of all flesh, (theres that word again) is there anything to hard for me? I answer with a resounding NO!
I love the song Overcomer by Mandissa. The journey I have been on this past year and 3 months has all been about overcoming. Today has been the best day for good news! I have been on Metformin for my diabetes for 14 months and today the Dr. Said the magic words (not so magic because it was all dedication and hard work) “I am taking you off your Metformin, and I would call you a non-diabetic”. I know I will always have this disease but being able to manage it with diet and exercise is words I have longed to hear! The woman that was beaten down and discouraged thinking it was too big a mountain to climb reached the top today! Continue reading
I saw this today and had to laugh because I keep telling my trainer your pictures gonna be on the wall when I am at goal. I am realizing that when I reach goal it’s not over. There is a lady at the gym that inspires me to keep moving and progressing. She is so toned and there is not an ounce of fat on her. Continue reading
Total weight loss as of today is 65 pounds! I’m beginning to see the impossible can be obtained. Thirty five pounds left to go until I reach my goal. For the first time in a very long time I feel beautiful, strong and alive. I wish I could share with everyone who struggles with their weight to start today! Continue reading
It’s been a few weeks since my last blog post because things have been crazy busy. My husband and I are getting ready to watch our daughter graduate in a few weeks. Where does time go! I have had several epiphanies the last few weeks. I am still working out with a trainer and I can honestly say for the first time in a long time I love who I am, and who I am becoming! I believe that when you take care of the body and get fit it makes you believe in yourself! I feel strong and confident now. Continue reading